# we have the relationships of too many rats in a cage
## 2024-06-04
a woman i went on a coffee date with some weeks back tried negging me over text. we've been in and out of touch since the initial date. this week she seems to have decided she wants to hit it, and it's threatening to her self regard that i'm not dropping everything at the opportunity. in one breath i get “i think you are hot... been feeling rowdy again a lil”. in the next “you can always hire me lol”. my deflection, that i'm not interested in giving my time to transactional relationships, was met with (and again, i went to coffee with her once; we haven't even kissed):
> I wasn't saying u have no rizz bb or are bad at sex bb, just that I am so good at it people pay me.
inadvertently, i have contested her desirability. the dominance she wants to establish—i think—is that i will be made to reflect it back to her regardless of my will in it. she topped it off with unprompted remarks about /relationship anarchy/, John Waters “(who I've hung out with!)”, (not having read) Sophie Lewis, and her (self?) diagnoses as they relate to her communication style.
i think this is all too transparently insecure for someone i had been considering letting hurt me. yet i've not, so far, ended the conversation.
a musicologist i dated briefly in my twenties tried to impress me by telling me about his recent trip to Europe, where he had been consulting on a Bruce LaBruce project. i didn't know about LaBruce then, and so failed be impressed in the specific way he hoped. my ignorance didn't stop him from taking me to his place for a glass of port and a blowjob. my most vivid recollection is the way he said “damn dude”, as he touched my hips.
